Few moments test a parent’s composure quite like a full-blown tantrum. Toddlers scream and hit, middle schoolers storm off, and teenagers slam doors — but misbehavior is a normal part of childhood, and it’s often a form of communication, says licensed psychologist Juli Fraga, co-author of “Parents Have Feelings, Too.”
In working with hundreds of parents, Fraga has seen two common responses to acting out: negotiating and losing one’s cool. Both can leave parents feeling drained and out of control, she says. But parents who instead treat misbehavior as clues to underlying emotions can set their kids up for long-term emotional intelligence — helping them weather setbacks, embrace independence, and try new things.
Here are five things parents who handle tantrums well do, according to Fraga.
1. Stay calm — deliberately
Whether a toddler is mid-meltdown or a teenager is yelling, it’s natural to feel rattled. But children learn by watching what adults do, so Fraga advises pausing and taking five deep belly breaths. Deep breathing delivers oxygen to muscles and triggers the body’s relaxation response, she explains. Emotions are contagious, so when parents stay calm, kids “catch” that calm and learn to regulate their own big feelings.
2. Act like a detective, not a CEO
It’s tempting to bark “knock it off” or jump straight into problem-solving mode. But taking charge can make kids shut down and hurt their self-confidence. Instead, Fraga recommends adopting a curious mindset: ask yourself, “What might be going on for my kid right now that’s driving this behavior?”
A child who lies may be afraid of getting into trouble, while a teen who rejects boundaries may want more independence. Let your child know honesty will always be applauded, and invite a boundary-pushing teen to brainstorm what they want. When you identify the driver, you’ve solved the mystery — and that’s more than half the battle, Fraga says.
3. Help kids name their emotions
Misbehavior can be what psychologists call a “defense” — a way to protect against painful feelings like shame, guilt, or sadness. Defenses like dishonesty, avoidance, criticizing others, and misdirecting anger temporarily numb those emotions, but they don’t help kids “feel and deal” in the long run.
Finding language for feelings, called “emotion naming,” calms the brain’s amygdala and takes the edge off big feelings. A simple “Are you sad?” “Are you angry?” or “Are you worried?” is a good place to start, Fraga says.
4. Reflect on your own behavior
Children imitate behaviors they witness at home and school. If misbehavior keeps repeating, Fraga suggests turning the lens inward. Scan your body from head to toe and notice sensations: heaviness in the chest may signal sadness and a need for support from a partner or friend; anger might show up as a rising body temperature or a tense jaw, indicating you need to set a boundary, practice self-care, or address a problem. Identifying and validating your own emotions — and seeking what you need — goes a long way, she says.
5. Check for the basics: H.A.L.T.
Daily and prolonged stress can rattle a child’s nervous system, making emotional regulation harder. Kids often regress with a new baby or a tough transition, and melt down when overtired, says Fraga. The acronym H.A.L.T. — hungry, angry, lonely, or tired — helps pinpoint underlying stressors. Try meeting those needs first and see if behavior shifts; a well-timed snack, nap, or quality time can be the perfect reset.
Source: www.cnbc.com — https://www.cnbc.com/2026/09/06/parents-who-are-really-good-at-handling-tantrums-do-things-psychologist.html
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